I'm sitting here...watching the world slowly dying around me once more...and it feels a bit like looking in the mirror...the leaves fall from the trees, littering the ground, just as my blood falls from my veins, leaving a pool at my feet...the weather grows colder, the same way my heart slowly turns to ice...Mother Nature claims her victims once again, just as the cold, cruel eyes of Fate lock upon me once again...the only difference is...
...the world will be reborn in the spring...I, however, will simply continue to fade until there is nothing left...
...what's wrong with me? Why am I falling into this cycle again? Nothing's happened...not recently, anyway. Nothing so terrible that it should make me want to give up and simply allow myself to wither away. And yet, I'm not strong enough to stop it. I don't know that I even want to. Every second that passes is another excruciating moment in which I have to draw in another breath and try and paint on a fake smile, and honestly? The paint is dried and cracking, nothing I can do can save it anymore. The bristles have fallen out of all of my brushes, so now, when I go to paint on what the world wants to see, it comes out in a twisted, frightening mess. Perhaps, finally, I am giving them all a true reflection of my soul. Maybe I have finally grown tired of all the games, of playing dress up simply because it's what they want. This should be a relief, and yet...I'm frightened. More frightened than I have ever been in my life. It's not a good feeling to look into the mirror, into your own soul, and be terrified of what you see. Though, I have to admit, it's also strangely comforting; I finally recognize myself when I look into my own eyes.
It's time to take off the mask and show them all my true colors...I have grown so weary of this tiresome disguise...
...I'm sorry...
I don't know if it's a bad thing that the mask is starting to slip. Okay, yeah, I know you don't really want everyone around you to know just how hard you've had it, just how deeply you've been scarred and just how ignorant and insensitive they've all been to it {though, I have to admit you are a master at hiding it, which is probably why they are like that}, but in a way, it must be a contradiction of feeling for you.
ReplyDeleteLike...relief and a certain degree of weight being lifted off in knowing that you don't have to keep hiding who you are anymore, and at the same time, that must be so scary and make you feel heavy again, because you've protected them all for so long...which I'm going to assume is why you said you're sorry...because when the disguise is lifted, some people may get hurt.
Once again, I could have gone completely off track and missed the mark but, honestly? No matter what you do, no matter what choice you make, be it to keep the mask or toss it aside, I'll be here and I'll help in any way that I can. Some people may not be able to accept you as you are but at least I do, and I will always love you for you are because there is no one more beautiful in everyway imaginable to me.
I hope this helps a little, if only just a tiny bit <3