I am just going to go to bed, because no one knows how to handle me when I'm in a bad mood. I can't help that things are really messed up for me right now. I can't help that I'm stressed. So, I'll give you all a break. Maybe tomorrow things will be better. If not, I'll just stay in hiding.
Good night.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Friday, January 29, 2010
Thursday, January 21, 2010
...
"My heart is nothing more than a twisted mess of scars and wounds that will never, ever heal..."
I seem to be doing a damn good job of convincing everyone (myself included?) that I'm alright. Funny, isn't it? I have people surrounding me who want to help me, and yet I can't bring myself to let them. For the first time in my life, I don't have to deal with this shit alone, and yet, I can't let anyone in. What's wrong with me? Am I really that masochistic? Or is this another one of those, as my mother likes to put it, "martyr" things that I try to play? I don't know...I mean, a part of me would give anything to let them in, to let them help me, but the rest of me can't bear to put them through that pain. Not after everything I've just put them through. I've done it on my own before, I can do it again, right? ...right?
"...and every day I fall a little further, trying to forget that this pain is real."
I seem to be doing a damn good job of convincing everyone (myself included?) that I'm alright. Funny, isn't it? I have people surrounding me who want to help me, and yet I can't bring myself to let them. For the first time in my life, I don't have to deal with this shit alone, and yet, I can't let anyone in. What's wrong with me? Am I really that masochistic? Or is this another one of those, as my mother likes to put it, "martyr" things that I try to play? I don't know...I mean, a part of me would give anything to let them in, to let them help me, but the rest of me can't bear to put them through that pain. Not after everything I've just put them through. I've done it on my own before, I can do it again, right? ...right?
"...and every day I fall a little further, trying to forget that this pain is real."
Monday, January 18, 2010
This should have been written a few days ago...
...but better late than never, right? Actually, in this case, never would be much better than having to write this/go through it at all, but since I can't change what happened...
I posted a few weeks ago about being raped. This has a lot to do with that. I got pregnant. I found out last week. On Tuesday. I took a pregnancy test, and it was positive. However, at the same time I was taking the test, I started cramping really badly and bleeding. I tried to ignore it, tried to focus on what I was going to do, even though deep down in my heart, I knew. I knew that there wasn't going to be a baby.
I ended up getting quite sick, and finally had to go to the ER. They simply confirmed what I already knew. I was having a miscarriage. I was losing my child. AGAIN. Granted, having a child who is a product of rape would not be easy, but I was going to keep his older sister if she hadn't been taken from me, so why should this child be any different? Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately, I still don't know...), that decision was not left up to me. And now my Trinity has her full blood baby brother (don't ask, I just know...) with her. At least I know they're together and safe. I just wish they were with me.
I know this post probably seems a bit cold and emotionless, but I truly do not have any tears left to shed right now. I am sure the dam will break again, and when it does, I will pour my heart out onto the screen, weep and mourn, and then, perhaps (though not likely) move on. Until then, I am trying to steel myself against all the pain and heartache I am going through. It hurts too much to feel it, so I will simply attempt to make myself numb.
If only it was actually working...
I posted a few weeks ago about being raped. This has a lot to do with that. I got pregnant. I found out last week. On Tuesday. I took a pregnancy test, and it was positive. However, at the same time I was taking the test, I started cramping really badly and bleeding. I tried to ignore it, tried to focus on what I was going to do, even though deep down in my heart, I knew. I knew that there wasn't going to be a baby.
I ended up getting quite sick, and finally had to go to the ER. They simply confirmed what I already knew. I was having a miscarriage. I was losing my child. AGAIN. Granted, having a child who is a product of rape would not be easy, but I was going to keep his older sister if she hadn't been taken from me, so why should this child be any different? Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately, I still don't know...), that decision was not left up to me. And now my Trinity has her full blood baby brother (don't ask, I just know...) with her. At least I know they're together and safe. I just wish they were with me.
I know this post probably seems a bit cold and emotionless, but I truly do not have any tears left to shed right now. I am sure the dam will break again, and when it does, I will pour my heart out onto the screen, weep and mourn, and then, perhaps (though not likely) move on. Until then, I am trying to steel myself against all the pain and heartache I am going through. It hurts too much to feel it, so I will simply attempt to make myself numb.
If only it was actually working...
So, I think I fucked up big time.
You would think that I would know better by now, after what happened the last time I tried to be open and honest with my sister. You would think that I would have learned from getting a letter from her that she still has saved on her computer entitled "Letter to a Liar." You would think that I would have kept my mouth shut and just let her think that I was fine and/or flipped out for no reason. But no. No, I had to go and try to talk to her, try to tell her the truth about what happened to me. I had to tell her that I was raped (without going into details) and now, she is not speaking to me. I begged her not to tell my mom that I told her the truth, but I know she will. She already called looking for Mom this morning. I messaged her on AIM, trying to be funny because I had to go get 30 cans of cat food for her cat, and all she said was "have fun" and then logged off. My life is about to spiral out of control because, undoubtedly, she will convince my mother that I lied. And I didn't. I wouldn't fucking lie about this. Things are going to get so much worse now, and I don't know if I can take it. I don't know if I can handle having everyone looking at me like I am some sort of pathological masochist who is simply looking for pity. FUCK!
Saturday, January 16, 2010
To my angels...
Cry With a Smile-After Forever
Cry with a smile
My heart is bleeding
Bewildered I'm here alone
Why is there pian in a beautiful moment?
Why do I feel so lost, so empty?
Cry with a smile
My heart is healing
From pain I knew that would come
Why is there luck in a deeply sad moment?
Why do I feel so calm, so peaceful?
Take my heart and set it free
Take my heart and give it time to heal
I know; in my memories you'll live
Take my heart a little while
Take it with you to the place you'll go
I know we will meet again some day
Cry with a smile
My heart was dreaming
Of time I knew would come to an end
Why do I cry about a beautiful memory?
Why do I feel so hurt, so lonely?
Take my heart and set it free
Take my heart and give it time to heal
I know; in my memories you'll live
Take my heart a little while
Take it with you to the place you'll go
I know we will meet again some day
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