Twisted Opiate Brain

It's amazing how something I was looking so forward to a couple of weeks ago has now become something that I am dreading more than anything. All I wanted to do is go see two of my favorite bands perform on the same stage. That's all. Then my life blew up and I had to worry about how that was going to happen, but at first, it seemed like I could make it work. Then no hotel, no place to stay and two of the people I love the most pulling me in two different directions to the point where I feel like I am being physically torn apart. I resign myself to the fact that the concert can't happen, and my mom half assed makes possible plans to go to my sister's. Then Mel decides the day before the concert that hey, maybe we can still go and stay at my dad's. So I tell mom this but I also tell her DO NOT CANCEL YOUR PLANS JUST FOR THIS, IF YOU WANT TO GO TO LISA'S, GO. But of course she doesn't listen and gets pissed and cancels and has now cut me out of her life. She's still watching Iris tomorrow but I'm honestly afraid of how she's going to treat her. If there's any living creature in this situation who doesn't deserve to be treated badly, it's my dog. She did nothing wrong. Realistically, neither did I, and my mother overreacts to everything that happens in the most negative way she can think of, but...I understand, I'm a human being, I can cope with her being rude to me. If she treats my dog badly...there will be hell to pay. I'm not even sure I WANT to go to the concert anymore because I'm afraid of the repercussions. I wish sometimes that I could just cut my mother out of my life, I know she's toxic and treats me like shit, but she's also my mother and I'm the only one of my siblings who ever does anything for her. Translation: I do everything for her and she still treats me like I'm the scum of the Earth. I don't get it. But it's a repeating pattern in my family. Janice did everything for Grandma Betty, Grandma Betty treated Janice like crap and acted like she hated her. Mom (and I) did everything for Granny, Granny treated us like crap and acted like she hated us. Now I'm the one doing everything for my mother and she acts like she hates me and wants nothing to do with me unless she needs something from me. She hates Mel simply because Mel is with me. There is no other explanation. She's pissed that someone came along who is willing to stand up to her on my behalf and loves me for who I am in spite of how fucked up I am.  That's what all of this boils down to, really. I have someone who I love and who loves me and that takes me away from being mommy's lapdog every second of every day. I'm 35 goddamn years old and still she treats me like I'm 16. If it were up to her I'd sit at her house with no job and wait on her and spend every waking moment with her. Too bad I grew up, huh? Too bad I have my own life. Too bad you can't control me anymore like you've always tried to. I know you hate that I don't just roll over and let you treat me like a whipping boy anymore. You say that's how Mel treats me, but look in the mirror for once. Maybe then you'll see the truth. That as bad as you think Mel is, as controlling as you think she is and as much as you think she treats me like shit, you are far worse. I love you, mom, but you're an emotionally unstable and abusive woman. You have been in some ways since I moved back home from Canada, and even at some points before that. I wish I could change you. I wish I could change the whole situation. I wish that I could make you see what you do to me without screaming in your face and saying things that are better left unsaid. But even if I did scream in your face and tell you how I really feel, would you hear me? I don't think you would. All you would say is "Mel put you up to this. Mel turned you against me. Mel put all of these ideas in your head." No, she didn't. I am finally realizing that the way you treat me is destroying me from the inside out. I don't want to cut you out of my life. I don't want to turn my back on you. I don't want to lose my mother (and my whole family along with you) but...I don't know how much longer I can take the constant guilt trips, the emotional abuse, the attempt to control my every move. Why do you care if my bedroom is organized? Why do you care if my living room is tidy? Why do you care if my kitchen is clean? You said yourself you're never coming to my house again. So what does it matter? You say you want me to be happy, but what you mean is you want me to be happy if me being happy means breaking  up with Mel and coming back home to live under your thumbrulescontroltyranny roof. And I'm sorry, that's not going to happen. You're not going to win this round. So please learn to accept who I am and who I love. Because if you don't...you won't have me around much longer, I promise.

I give up. All you motherfuckers who have tried so hard to break me all these years, congratulations. I have nothing left to give. The only reason I won't simply end things is because that's not fair to my puppy. She needs her mommy. She is the only thing I have to live for. Once she's gone...I'm gone too. Fuck this shit.

Just how stupid do you think I am?

I'm starting to seriously question the past five and a half years of my life. I wanted to believe that I was special...that I was important, and the past week has proven to me that I am, in fact, not. They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, but instead I find that it's more "out of sight, out of mind" unless it's convenient to have someone to get sympathy from. Who cares how I feel, what I want? No one, basically. And it hurts. I can't be bought. I can't be shoved aside until you feel like you need a shoulder to cry on. If I am nothing more than a way to "escape" from living with your parents (which was in fact the way you described it when you first moved here....90% to get away from mom and dad, 10% because you wanted to be closer to me...your exact words), then I'm sorry, I can't do this anymore. I'm not even convinced that you really miss me...I think you miss NOT being around your mother, and coming back to me gets you away from her again. To be honest, I feel like a bit of a fool. I fell for everything...every I love you, every I need you, every I miss you...but when it comes right down to it, I can't help but wonder, was it all a lie? Am I truly as stupid as you seem to think that I am? I don't know. What I do know is this past week has proven to me that yes, I may be sad without you, but deep down, I'm okay. That's not the lesson you wanted me to learn, I'm sure, but that's what I'm taking away from this. When (not if, because I don't believe anymore that this can last...) you leave me for good, I will be okay. I'll cry and my heart will break, but my world and my life will go on. Maybe I should just make the first move myself...but I'm just stupid enough to give you one more chance.