*sigh* I just can't win.

Ouch...

Haha, wow. I don't know how this has never hit me before. I wish it hadn't hit me now. It feels like a big slap in the face. Awesome.

...I must be a moron or something.

Of course we have to keep this a secret. I've known that from the very beginning. I've known...and even if I don't like it, I have to accept it. This is what is best for her. All I want is for her to be happy. This is what she wants, and therefore, I will give it to her. Because I will give her whatever she wants, always. Always and forever...

But...is it wrong that it stings that I can't put something simple like "You make me not the same me that I used to be, you save me...I'm more me than I could ever be without you. Without you and me, must be meant to be..." <3 as my facebook status? I mean, I realize it's facebook. Who cares. So I can't have the status I want. What's the big deal?

...but it is a big deal, to me. It is a big deal because I want the world to know that I love her. That I am happy. That I finally have someone who loves me for me. And instead, I have to keep it a secret. I have to watch every word that I type or say very carefully for fear of someone finding us out.

What a crappy feeling...

Pain...

It hurts. It hurts so much. The pain is threatening to suffocate me. It's so hard to breathe, and there's no escaping it. No matter where I go, no matter what I do, it follows me. Engulfs me. Pulls me down and threatens to drown me in the sweetest crimson rivers the world has ever seen. I should be frightened. I should try to run, but I don't. I can't. I crave this. I need this. This is what keeps me alive. I know that, one day, it may also be the death of me, but for now. I need it to survive. Does that make me a sick person? Probably. But at least I know I'm not the only one. And honestly? I would rather be alive and sick, than dead and "normal." Normal is so boring, anyway...

*sigh*

It hurts when you finally realize just how much you want something, only to have it pulled away from you the second you know that it's what you want.

How could I have been so stupid? How did I let myself fall so hard, even when I knew there was no way it could ever be? And now here I sit, sobbing my eyes out with a broken heart.

Never again. I will never, ever allow myself to be vulnerable like this again. It hurts too much, and it's just not worth it.

I need some time to regroup, and then I think maybe I'll be ok. At least now I know where I stand.

Never, ever, ever going to fall in love again. It's just not worth the pain and tears that you wind up with in the end.

*sigh*

There are only so many times I can say "It's fine" and actually make myself believe it when I know deep down in my heart of hearts that it's just not true.

 

Here's looking forward to yet another long, lonely weekend next weekend. Hoo-rah.

...

Don't try to tell me I'm crazy. I already know. If you think that you're going to insult me by simply pointing out the obvious, you're going to be sorely disappointed. I will simply look you in the eyes, smile and thank you from the very bottom of my soul. And you know what? It takes one to know one.

...

Time to get used to being alone...

Help...

The more this is all sinking in, the more my heart is breaking. It hurts. And there's no pill to cure this pain...

*sigh*

To Whom it May Concern,

 

Please, give me the strength to lie to him. It's for his own good.

Deep, cleansing breaths...

...in and out. In...and...out...

 

I seriously do not know how much more I can handle.

...AHAHAHA

Ok, so that turned out to be easier than I thought. Well, as far as having the opportunity present itself to me, anyway. I'm pretty sure Nicole is pissed at me now, but I expected that. I really don't know what she's gonna say to Rick. I almost don't want to know. I mean, I know I'll find out, but...yeah. It's just gonna get uglier. Thank God for corners. I can hide in them.

Arrggghhhh

Blah. I don't wanna go to work today. Not because of work, but because of what I have to attempt to do for my brother. I don't want to piss Nicole off, I really don't. But Rick deserves answers. *sigh* Why am I so stupid? Why couldn't I have just kept my mouth shut? I mean, I realize that he deserves to know the truth, but what if there's really nothing to know? And how the fuck am I supposed to start this conversation with her? Just walk up to her and be like "Hey, gotta ask...you still screwing your husband?" ;_; Kill me.

Hmmm...

I still have this very uneasy, sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach. I can't seem to shake it. It started last night while I was at work for no good reason at all, and it's really only gotten worse since then. I wish I knew what it was about. I wish I even had the slightest clue, but I don't. I've got nothing. Maybe it's just because there is so much going on in my life and the lives of people around me right now, things that could truly make or break people's whole worlds. I don't know. Maybe I'm just crazy. Not such a bad thing, I suppose. Didn't we decide that crazy sometimes pays off? *sigh* I think it might be time to start taking the meds again, kids. Woopdiddyfuckingdoo. HA!

...blah.

You'd think I'd know better by now and not let myself start looking forward to something. The things I want never happen, no matter how hard I try. Whatever.

I'll never be what you want me to be

I've come to a realization in the past few days. I wish I could say that this is a good thing, and I suppose in some ways, it is, but it also really hurts. I don't know why I let it hurt, or why it seems like such an "epiphany" this time around, but...*shrug*

No matter what I do, I am never going to be the person that everyone wants me to be. I am never going to be successful. I am never going to be skinny. I am never going to be able to smile without it hurting me in some way. I will never make my parents proud. I will never fall in love. I will never get married and have a "traditional" family. These things are simply not in the cards for me. I am not giving up on have a child, not yet, anyway, but I know it will happen. I know that I'm not meant to be a mother, fate has proven that to me far, far too many times.

Now, the question is, what can I do? Where do I go from here? Do I try to make some radical change and hope that maybe, just maybe, I'm actually wrong? Do I give up on everything that I hold dear, everything that makes me who I am, just for a small chance at making everyone else proud of me, to give them what they want? I really don't know anymore. I've lived my life for everyone else for so long, it may not seem that there would be much difference. But in all honesty, I was hoping to be able to live my life for me, someday. That possibility is becoming more and more distant and ridiculous sounding the more that time goes on. What I want isn't practical. What I want can never be. I've reached a dead end and I have no idea how to go on. It's so frustrating.

Sometimes I wish that I would just fall asleep and not wake up...wouldn't that be lovely? Sweet, blissful darkness...come claim this shattered heart...

Sunshine and Springtime

I really think that the nicer weather is doing me some good. Yesterday I was actually in a decent mood, which doesn't usually happen for me, especially when I have to work. I don't know. I suppose I should just accept it for what it is, but I can't help but be suspicious of even my own feelings. I'm not used to being able to smile and actually mean it, and usually when that happens, it means there is something really, really dark heading my way. It doesn't have to be an event, just...emotions, etc. I don't know. Blah. I'm rambling at this point and really should shut up. I just want the warmer, nicer weather to stay and I hope and pray that, if it does, then this mood can hold on just a little bit longer. The next two weeks are going to go by so slowly, but once they do, I have a weekend away to look forward to, and I get to see Sonata Arctica. I can do this...I know I can. I just have to focus...

Blah, fuck me and my cynicism. Straight to Hell.

*sigh*

I'm so frustrated lately. I don't know what's wrong with me. Everything seems to get under my skin and it's making me crazy, and I know I'm probably making everyone around me crazy too. Things have been really hard these past few months for so, so many reasons, and I don't know how to cope with it. Right now, I'm really just bottling everything up and trying to push it away. I know that's not the right way to deal with it, but what else can I do? I can't afford to fall apart right now. I know that I should be going to therapy, but I can't really afford that, either. Time away from work means I don't make any money, and that means that I can't pay my grandmother back and she gets pissed off at me and hates me even more than she does right now. I really can't fucking win. Whatever. Maybe it's time to just pull back and hide away for awhile. All I'm doing is pushing everyone away from me, anyway...

Sometimes...

Sometimes I wish that I could just remain still and let the world go on around me. I need time to regroup, but everything is happening so fast that I can't stop for even one second to try and catch up. I just want to hide away, even for a day or a week, and let myself relax and block out the rest of the world. But that will never, ever happen. There are too many people depending on me, too many people who need me. I guess I just have to, as everyone likes to tell me, "suck it up and deal," and try not to completely lose my mind...

Give me a moment...

...to sound like a complete and total bitch. I know how horrible what I'm about to say is going to sound, but I can't help myself.

I found out yesterday that my friend is pregnant with her second child. She can barely afford to feed the first one. She is in an open relationship with the father of this child (meaning basically he can sleep around with anyone he wants.) She has serious mental health issues (the testing for outpatient "partial hospitalization" is how she found out she was pregnant, actually). I mean...really? I'm happy for her, I really am, but how is this fair? She gets to have another child, and I probably never, ever will. It's just...not fair. Blah.

I have so much more I could say, but I don't have the strength. Whatever.

Grrrr...

Once, just once, I would like for him to be able to come here and spend some time with us without her whining that she "needs" him to come back. Just fucking once! We're all sitting here curled up under a blanket watching The Big Lebowski, and he popped over to join us, and it wasn't 5 minutes before she texted me to tell me to send him home. Grrrr...I'm getting to sick of this. Blah. It's not fair.

Vittun perkele...

Ihmiset todellakin on opittava anna minun nukkua, kun on työtä kymmenen aamulla...Olen täysin täyttynyt nyt ... mahtava...>.<

Ymmärrän, että hän haluaa minun olevan siellä hänelle, ja se on hyvä, mutta jos olisin tehnyt sen, mitä hän teki minulle viime yönä, hän luultavasti ei puhu minulle viikon! Ja koko tyhmä tatuointi ... mitä tapahtui viikko sitten! Hän on juuri nyt yhtäkkiä päättää se oli hieman käsitellä, ja hän tarvitsi olla masentunut sen yli?! Olen pettynyt myös, mutta minä en aio antaa tämän pilata yksi suosikkini kappaleita minulle, enkä aio käyttää sitä tekosyynä pitää minun paras ystäväni / tyttöystävä saakka viideltä aamulla, kun hän on työtä! PERKELE!

Oh, Google translate, I love you...but I think you get the gyst...lmao.

Sometimes I wonder...

...why I even bother anymore. I'm not going to win this. I'm only going to keep getting stressed out over and over again until I truly cannot take it anymore. I'm reaching my breaking point as we speak, and I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't seem to get the concept through certain people's heads, and it's driving me mad. Blah. I realize that this is incredibly cryptic, but it has to be that way. I don't want to show my hand until I'm absolutely positive that all the cards are in play...

Found this poking around the internet...

...made me burst into tears.

Am I Not A Mother?
by Gail Fasolo

Am I not a mother
On this Mother's Day?
I had a baby, but she's gone.
Death took her away.

Hopes and dreams have vanished
a happy time turned cold.
My motherhood-where is it now?
Gone? Or put on hold?

Am I not a mother
even though my child died?
Does anyone know my heartbreak
or the anguish felt inside?

Special gifts and flowersbut
who'll remember me?
As I stand and shed some tears
at your graveside where I'll be.

Mother's Day-so painful
but I will make it through.
Yes, I am a mother!
but God takes care of you.

In loving memory of my angels...TRC and ALC. Mommy misses you both so, so much. <3

So this is how it ends...

I have nowhere left to turn. No one left I can go to for comfort and support. I found out today, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I am nothing more than a burden to those closest to me. I didn't want to believe it, but it was pretty much spelled out for me in black and white. "I'm not there so there's nothing I can do to help." The exact words. If only this person could understand that those words were like a knife right into my heart. And so now, I have a choice...

I can continue to annoy everyone around me, to be a burden to them and, eventually, end up simply pushing them away completely. I can keep going as I am, pouring my heart and soul out to my so-called "friends" and have them come to resent me more and more with every passing second. I can make a very weak attempt and getting "help" from people who clearly do not want to or cannot help me at all, even though I'd like to think they started out with the best of intentions.

Or...I can put on a fake smile and pretend that everything is ok, just like I do with the rest of the world. I can hide my pain behind a cheerful facade and let them think that I am actually alright, when really, I am dying inside. At least I won't be alone, but the real question is-What is the point of having friends who are supposed to be there for you if you have to simply lie to them day after day and hide who you truly are?

There is a third choice, of course. I simply disappear. Erase myself off the face of the planet and, with time, they will forget all about me. Who would want to remember someone who only causes them grief and pain, anyway? I can give them their freedom, and carry my burden on my own without having to pretend.

Decisions, decisions...

I'm going to be honest...

Sometimes I really, truly wonder how much I have left in me. I have no time to focus on or deal with my own pain and sorrow because it feels like everytime I turn around, someone else around me is having a crisis and needs my help. I suppose that is my biggest flaw; I put aside my own wellbeing to make sure that the people I care about are happy. I put others above myself, and I always have. Usually, I can recover from it someone and take at least a day or two to sit back and let myself have my own feelings, but lately, that hasn't been happening. Or when it does, it happens at the worst possible time.

I know that they tell me I'm not hurting them. I know that they say it's alright and that they want to be there for me. But I don't think it's fair for me to be in a bad mood all the time, and I really, truly think that maybe it is time for me to step back and give everyone a break, whether they (or I) like it or not.

I'll hold out until after my trip to Poughkeepsie. I need that, and maybe that will turn my mood around. But if I come home and am still bitchy and cranky with everyone, I am going to step away for awhile. Let myself heal, and give them all a chance to breathe without wondering what will set me off.


*sigh*

Good night

I am just going to go to bed, because no one knows how to handle me when I'm in a bad mood. I can't help that things are really messed up for me right now. I can't help that I'm stressed. So, I'll give you all a break. Maybe tomorrow things will be better. If not, I'll just stay in hiding.

Good night.

I'm slipping...slowly, ever so slowly...but the end result will be the same. I will fall. And this time, I don't know if I'll ever get back up...

...

"My heart is nothing more than a twisted mess of scars and wounds that will never, ever heal..."

I seem to be doing a damn good job of convincing everyone (myself included?) that I'm alright. Funny, isn't it? I have people surrounding me who want to help me, and yet I can't bring myself to let them. For the first time in my life, I don't have to deal with this shit alone, and yet, I can't let anyone in. What's wrong with me? Am I really that masochistic? Or is this another one of those, as my mother likes to put it, "martyr" things that I try to play? I don't know...I mean, a part of me would give anything to let them in, to let them help me, but the rest of me can't bear to put them through that pain. Not after everything I've just put them through. I've done it on my own before, I can do it again, right? ...right?

"...and every day I fall a little further, trying to forget that this pain is real."

This should have been written a few days ago...

...but better late than never, right? Actually, in this case, never would be much better than having to write this/go through it at all, but since I can't change what happened...

I posted a few weeks ago about being raped. This has a lot to do with that. I got pregnant. I found out last week. On Tuesday. I took a pregnancy test, and it was positive. However, at the same time I was taking the test, I started cramping really badly and bleeding. I tried to ignore it, tried to focus on what I was going to do, even though deep down in my heart, I knew. I knew that there wasn't going to be a baby.

I ended up getting quite sick, and finally had to go to the ER. They simply confirmed what I already knew. I was having a miscarriage. I was losing my child. AGAIN. Granted, having a child who is a product of rape would not be easy, but I was going to keep his older sister if she hadn't been taken from me, so why should this child be any different? Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately, I still don't know...), that decision was not left up to me. And now my Trinity has her full blood baby brother (don't ask, I just know...) with her. At least I know they're together and safe. I just wish they were with me.

I know this post probably seems a bit cold and emotionless, but I truly do not have any tears left to shed right now. I am sure the dam will break again, and when it does, I will pour my heart out onto the screen, weep and mourn, and then, perhaps (though not likely) move on. Until then, I am trying to steel myself against all the pain and heartache I am going through. It hurts too much to feel it, so I will simply attempt to make myself numb.

If only it was actually working...

So, I think I fucked up big time.

You would think that I would know better by now, after what happened the last time I tried to be open and honest with my sister. You would think that I would have learned from getting a letter from her that she still has saved on her computer entitled "Letter to a Liar." You would think that I would have kept my mouth shut and just let her think that I was fine and/or flipped out for no reason. But no. No, I had to go and try to talk to her, try to tell her the truth about what happened to me. I had to tell her that I was raped (without going into details) and now, she is not speaking to me. I begged her not to tell my mom that I told her the truth, but I know she will. She already called looking for Mom this morning. I messaged her on AIM, trying to be funny because I had to go get 30 cans of cat food for her cat, and all she said was "have fun" and then logged off. My life is about to spiral out of control because, undoubtedly, she will convince my mother that I lied. And I didn't. I wouldn't fucking lie about this. Things are going to get so much worse now, and I don't know if I can take it. I don't know if I can handle having everyone looking at me like I am some sort of pathological masochist who is simply looking for pity. FUCK!

To my angels...

Cry With a Smile-After Forever

 

Cry with a smile
My heart is bleeding
Bewildered I'm here alone
Why is there pian in a beautiful moment?
Why do I feel so lost, so empty?

Cry with a smile
My heart is healing
From pain I knew that would come
Why is there luck in a deeply sad moment?
Why do I feel so calm, so peaceful?

Take my heart and set it free
Take my heart and give it time to heal
I know; in my memories you'll live
Take my heart a little while
Take it with you to the place you'll go
I know we will meet again some day

Cry with a smile
My heart was dreaming
Of time I knew would come to an end
Why do I cry about a beautiful memory?
Why do I feel so hurt, so lonely?

Take my heart and set it free
Take my heart and give it time to heal
I know; in my memories you'll live
Take my heart a little while
Take it with you to the place you'll go
I know we will meet again some day