Yet another year, and somehow, I'm still alive. I can't figure out how I keep managing to make it through another year, but since I'm here, I might as well take the chance to speak my mind and attempt to make promises to myself (and others) which will simply end up broken because that's all I am, a disappointing failure.
So let's see...my fiancee and I are fighting more than ever. Of course, somehow that's my fault. I'm a bully, a bitch, I'm mean, I treat her like a child, I'm ridiculous, etc. I suppose I should do something about that. I mean...if I'm that horrible a person, something has to change. So, my first New Year's Resolution is to stop having feelings, or, at the very least, stop expressing them. No one cares how I feel. No one wants to take the time to listen to me, to hear that I'm hurting, etc. So I'm going to simply interalize everything and do my very best not to let anything but a "contented smile" show on my face. My feelings and emotions do nothing but hurt other people, it only makes sense that I handle them on my own.
Second New Year's Resolution is the same as last year's. LOSE WEIGHT YOU FUCKING FATASS. I tried this, and I did really good. Lost almost 40 pounds. Then, of course, I gained half of it back. I am a fat, disgusting cow and it's no wonder my girlfriend never wants to have sex with me. So, I'm going to buckle down and start eating right, and punishing myself if I fail. If there's a threat of pain or losing some "privelege" surely I can do better. And if I keep failing and failing, I deserve to be punished. I am such a disgusting human being that in truth I should be punished whether I fail or succeed, but we'll try this, for now.
Third resolution: Be more diligent about posting in my journals/blogs. Unfortunately, I think this is going to involve setting up a whole new set of blogs because there are people who I don't really want to be able to read the things I need to say, but I'll deal with it because I need the outlet.
Fourth resolution: Suck less at work. Come in early, stay late, don't ask to leave early, don't complain, just smile and nod and do as you're told so that no one questions whether or not you deserve the position you have. Take charge more when Rick isn't here. Don't let other people push you around, but don't come across cocky and bitchy, either. There's a reason no one does what you ask: no one is going to respect someone that they think is a bitch.
Fifth resolution...Suck less over all. I really and truly do feel that I am a horrible human being who deserves nothing but pain and suffering, so I need to do what I can to change what an awful person I am. I'm not sure how to do this other than practice sunshine and roses 24/7, cry and rage and scream only when I'm completely alone (which is never) and do my very very best to bottle up everything and hide from everyone. Of course, this is very similar to my first resolution, but perhaps it really, truly is THAT important that I should resolve to do it twice.
I think perhaps that's all I can handle for one year. I have a funny feeling there's going to be a lot of new scars appearing on my skin for the first few months of 2013.
Happy New Year, everyone...
Monday, December 31, 2012
Thursday, October 4, 2012
I can't shake this overwhelming feeling that things are about to really blow up in my face. It's like there's a little voice in the back of my head, laughing at me and reminding me that I can't ever have anything good, anything that makes me happy. I know that things haven't been perfect, but the tension is getting to be too much to bear. I have no idea what to do; talking doesn't work, ignoring it doesn't work, getting mad doesn't work, crying doesn't work...nothing. It's as if there's some invisible force working against me (us) and every time I feel like we're making progress, I (we) get knocked back a hundred steps.
Part of the problem is that, now especially, I feel like I have no one to talk to. My mother has all but shut me out and shut me down, she's done dealing with me because we, and I quote, "do nothing but wear her down" and she actually said to me face to face this morning that she doesn't see my fiancee and I staying together. I don't know where she gets off saying that, couples have arguments, and it's not all on me, but apparently to everyone else it is most definitely all my fault. Meh. I can't talk to my fiancee about anything without her getting defensive and jumping down my throat that I'm mean, bitchy, always criticizing her for this that and the other thing. I've tried to point out to her that it is not my fault that she hears everything I say negatively, that she has to stop assuming that I'm being mean just because people in her past have treated her that way, but it's like she doesn't even hear me. I am not her father, her mother, her grandmother, her ex, her other friends, her whoever...she has known me for 4 1/2 years, we've been dating for 2 1/2 years, and she's lived with me (and my family) for almost a year now. It's time to stop the childish excuses of "But this is how so and so used to treat me so I just assume!" THAT is wearing me down, badly, because I feel like she's not even trying to know me at all.
I know that my mother is projecting a lot of her own bad feelings on us. She's sad because my little sister is getting married next Thursday, and my sister barely comes home to visit now, she really won't be once she's married because her soon-to-be husband has no use for family. He hates his own. Mom is having a hard time with my dad, because they really don't get along very well anymore. She's also having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that she is disabled, she cannot fully care for herself, she cannot work. I understand all these things, but I am so tired of being the scapegoat. I live at home to help her. I am not actively seeking my own apartment/house because I know that she needs us there, whether she wants to admit it or not. I am not there to be a burden, or to be the avenue through which she unloads all of her frustrations.
It feels, to me, like I exist simply for people to stomp all over me, make me feel badly, and overall treat me like shit. At home, at work, online...everywhere. No, this does not mean that there aren't awesome moments where I can actually smile, that there aren't people who do not ever make me feel this way, or that the people who do make me feel this way all the time. But it does seem to be an overall recurring theme to my existence, and I'm not sure how much longer I can take before I truly do just snap and let everyone know exactly how I feel.
Part of the problem is that, now especially, I feel like I have no one to talk to. My mother has all but shut me out and shut me down, she's done dealing with me because we, and I quote, "do nothing but wear her down" and she actually said to me face to face this morning that she doesn't see my fiancee and I staying together. I don't know where she gets off saying that, couples have arguments, and it's not all on me, but apparently to everyone else it is most definitely all my fault. Meh. I can't talk to my fiancee about anything without her getting defensive and jumping down my throat that I'm mean, bitchy, always criticizing her for this that and the other thing. I've tried to point out to her that it is not my fault that she hears everything I say negatively, that she has to stop assuming that I'm being mean just because people in her past have treated her that way, but it's like she doesn't even hear me. I am not her father, her mother, her grandmother, her ex, her other friends, her whoever...she has known me for 4 1/2 years, we've been dating for 2 1/2 years, and she's lived with me (and my family) for almost a year now. It's time to stop the childish excuses of "But this is how so and so used to treat me so I just assume!" THAT is wearing me down, badly, because I feel like she's not even trying to know me at all.
I know that my mother is projecting a lot of her own bad feelings on us. She's sad because my little sister is getting married next Thursday, and my sister barely comes home to visit now, she really won't be once she's married because her soon-to-be husband has no use for family. He hates his own. Mom is having a hard time with my dad, because they really don't get along very well anymore. She's also having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that she is disabled, she cannot fully care for herself, she cannot work. I understand all these things, but I am so tired of being the scapegoat. I live at home to help her. I am not actively seeking my own apartment/house because I know that she needs us there, whether she wants to admit it or not. I am not there to be a burden, or to be the avenue through which she unloads all of her frustrations.
It feels, to me, like I exist simply for people to stomp all over me, make me feel badly, and overall treat me like shit. At home, at work, online...everywhere. No, this does not mean that there aren't awesome moments where I can actually smile, that there aren't people who do not ever make me feel this way, or that the people who do make me feel this way all the time. But it does seem to be an overall recurring theme to my existence, and I'm not sure how much longer I can take before I truly do just snap and let everyone know exactly how I feel.
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