Fuck.

I want to not be a horrible person. I do. I truly, really do. But sometimes I can't help it. This may be one of those times, but maybe not? I don't know. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel right now. It's just another karmic punch in the face from where I'm sitting, but I realize that sounds childish and selfish. I mean, the entire universe can't be out to get me, right? Right.

It was hard enough for me to come to terms that this fat fucking piece of shit who actually said that he views me as a non human because I'm a lesbian was going to have a baby, something that I've always wanted and lost the singular opportunity I had to make that dream come true. I struggled with how unfair that fact was for months after I heard the news. But eventually I thought ok, I don't know his wife, maybe she deserves to have a baby and be a mother even though she clearly has zero taste in men because she married one of the most vile human beings I have ever had the displeasure of being forced to associate with. *ahem*

Then today I come back from a four day weekend to find that the baby had been born...yesterday. A little girl. Ouch, that hurts. Named Eleanore. Eleanore Rose. Excuse me while I try to swallow this giant lump in my throat oh fuck it won't go away why that middle name WHY WHY WHY?

And then I had to SEE him looking all smug and happy tonight when I went to get water on my break. At least I got to pretend that I didn't see him and didn't have to talk to him. Because fuck. Thank you, universe. I suppose I should be happy that my entire nightmare didn't come true and they didn't name her Trinity Rose because then I just might have offed myself. So fuck you very much, karma, fate, whatever higher power it is that I so wronged. And touche.  How much longer will I be paying for a crime that I'm not entirely convinced I committed?