Dear Mom,

Dear Mom,

It must be awful to have a daughter as horrible as me. I've let you down in so many ways you've probably lost count by now, but let me see if I can refresh your memory.

I'm fat.

I'm a lesbian/bisexual.

I'm never going to give you grandchildren.

I didn't finish college.

I'm a "liar" about everything.

I "use" you for your laundry and your credit cards.

I don't include you in everything that I do.

I won't leave my fiancee and move back in with you when you "leave dad."

My apartment is a mess even though you just helped us clean it six months ago, giving up "all of your weekends" to make it presentable.

I'm irresponsible about everything.

I dare to put myself first about once every 3-6 months, if that.

I contributed to Granny's death in some way, shape or form involving a UTI and some other bullshit I can't quite recall at this point.

I don't try hard enough to lose weight.

I lack commitment in every aspect of my life.

I'm lazy.

My car is always a mess.

I'm sure that I'm leaving things out, but I guess you can see my point by now. How could you possibly live with yourself knowing that you birthed such a horrible, wretched person? I mean...I bend over backwards to try and do whatever I can to make your life easier, I do (almost) whatever you ask of me as soon as you ask it, I listen to you cry and rant and get angry about everything (including my own father, brother, sister, fiancee), let you have your pity parties and do whatever I can think of to cheer you up, I encourage you to do things for yourself because I know you can even when you think you can't, I come to see you every day before work and sometimes on the weekends, run errands for you even when I feel like shit, trust you with (almost) all of my deepest, darkest feelings and love you with all my heart, but...it's just not enough, is it? It's just not enough. I really wish that I could understand what more I need to do to make you see that all I want is to make you happy, to make your life easier. I'm sorry that I'm such a failure at everything. I'm sorry that you have such a horrible daughter. I'm sorry that I don't own a house like my brother and sister, that I don't have a grandchild for you (besides Iris, but I guess she doesn't count for much, does she?) like Rick does with Lucy and someday will have with his own children, I'm sorry that I didn't finish school and get a great career like Lisa...I'm sorry...I don't know what else to say besides I'm sorry for existing. Sometimes, especially times like right now when you're pissed at me over nothing at all, I really wish I didn't exist. I feel like it would make your life easier if I just disappeared, and I guess all I can say there is I'm sorry that I can't do that for you, either. I just suck at everything and I always will. Maybe someday I'll find the strength to disappear from your life. Maybe someday you'll forgive me for being such a fucking failure at everything that I do. Maybe someday I'll be good enough for you. Maybe someday...but not today. And today, my heart is breaking because I honestly cannot figure out what I've done wrong.

You wouldn't even say you loved me when I picked my puppy up tonight. How the fuck do you think that makes me feel?

I don't get it. What more do you want from me? Blood? Tears? You get these things every day. But it's not enough...

...I am not enough. I will never be enough. I suppose I can accept that...even if it hurts like hell.

Love always and with the deepest of apologies,
Your failure, Erica