Grrrr...

Once, just once, I would like for him to be able to come here and spend some time with us without her whining that she "needs" him to come back. Just fucking once! We're all sitting here curled up under a blanket watching The Big Lebowski, and he popped over to join us, and it wasn't 5 minutes before she texted me to tell me to send him home. Grrrr...I'm getting to sick of this. Blah. It's not fair.

Vittun perkele...

Ihmiset todellakin on opittava anna minun nukkua, kun on työtä kymmenen aamulla...Olen täysin täyttynyt nyt ... mahtava...>.<

Ymmärrän, että hän haluaa minun olevan siellä hänelle, ja se on hyvä, mutta jos olisin tehnyt sen, mitä hän teki minulle viime yönä, hän luultavasti ei puhu minulle viikon! Ja koko tyhmä tatuointi ... mitä tapahtui viikko sitten! Hän on juuri nyt yhtäkkiä päättää se oli hieman käsitellä, ja hän tarvitsi olla masentunut sen yli?! Olen pettynyt myös, mutta minä en aio antaa tämän pilata yksi suosikkini kappaleita minulle, enkä aio käyttää sitä tekosyynä pitää minun paras ystäväni / tyttöystävä saakka viideltä aamulla, kun hän on työtä! PERKELE!

Oh, Google translate, I love you...but I think you get the gyst...lmao.

Sometimes I wonder...

...why I even bother anymore. I'm not going to win this. I'm only going to keep getting stressed out over and over again until I truly cannot take it anymore. I'm reaching my breaking point as we speak, and I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't seem to get the concept through certain people's heads, and it's driving me mad. Blah. I realize that this is incredibly cryptic, but it has to be that way. I don't want to show my hand until I'm absolutely positive that all the cards are in play...

Found this poking around the internet...

...made me burst into tears.

Am I Not A Mother?
by Gail Fasolo

Am I not a mother
On this Mother's Day?
I had a baby, but she's gone.
Death took her away.

Hopes and dreams have vanished
a happy time turned cold.
My motherhood-where is it now?
Gone? Or put on hold?

Am I not a mother
even though my child died?
Does anyone know my heartbreak
or the anguish felt inside?

Special gifts and flowersbut
who'll remember me?
As I stand and shed some tears
at your graveside where I'll be.

Mother's Day-so painful
but I will make it through.
Yes, I am a mother!
but God takes care of you.

In loving memory of my angels...TRC and ALC. Mommy misses you both so, so much. <3

So this is how it ends...

I have nowhere left to turn. No one left I can go to for comfort and support. I found out today, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I am nothing more than a burden to those closest to me. I didn't want to believe it, but it was pretty much spelled out for me in black and white. "I'm not there so there's nothing I can do to help." The exact words. If only this person could understand that those words were like a knife right into my heart. And so now, I have a choice...

I can continue to annoy everyone around me, to be a burden to them and, eventually, end up simply pushing them away completely. I can keep going as I am, pouring my heart and soul out to my so-called "friends" and have them come to resent me more and more with every passing second. I can make a very weak attempt and getting "help" from people who clearly do not want to or cannot help me at all, even though I'd like to think they started out with the best of intentions.

Or...I can put on a fake smile and pretend that everything is ok, just like I do with the rest of the world. I can hide my pain behind a cheerful facade and let them think that I am actually alright, when really, I am dying inside. At least I won't be alone, but the real question is-What is the point of having friends who are supposed to be there for you if you have to simply lie to them day after day and hide who you truly are?

There is a third choice, of course. I simply disappear. Erase myself off the face of the planet and, with time, they will forget all about me. Who would want to remember someone who only causes them grief and pain, anyway? I can give them their freedom, and carry my burden on my own without having to pretend.

Decisions, decisions...

I'm going to be honest...

Sometimes I really, truly wonder how much I have left in me. I have no time to focus on or deal with my own pain and sorrow because it feels like everytime I turn around, someone else around me is having a crisis and needs my help. I suppose that is my biggest flaw; I put aside my own wellbeing to make sure that the people I care about are happy. I put others above myself, and I always have. Usually, I can recover from it someone and take at least a day or two to sit back and let myself have my own feelings, but lately, that hasn't been happening. Or when it does, it happens at the worst possible time.

I know that they tell me I'm not hurting them. I know that they say it's alright and that they want to be there for me. But I don't think it's fair for me to be in a bad mood all the time, and I really, truly think that maybe it is time for me to step back and give everyone a break, whether they (or I) like it or not.

I'll hold out until after my trip to Poughkeepsie. I need that, and maybe that will turn my mood around. But if I come home and am still bitchy and cranky with everyone, I am going to step away for awhile. Let myself heal, and give them all a chance to breathe without wondering what will set me off.


*sigh*