Another year...

Yet another year, and somehow, I'm still alive. I can't figure out how I keep managing to make it through another year, but since I'm here, I might as well take the chance to speak my mind and attempt to make promises to myself (and others) which will simply end up broken because that's all I am, a disappointing failure.

So let's see...my fiancee and I are fighting more than ever. Of course, somehow that's my fault. I'm a bully, a bitch, I'm mean, I treat her like a child, I'm ridiculous, etc. I suppose I should do something about that. I mean...if I'm that horrible a person, something has to change. So, my first New Year's Resolution is to stop having feelings, or, at the very least, stop expressing them. No one cares how I feel. No one wants to take the time to listen to me, to hear that I'm hurting, etc. So I'm going to simply interalize everything and do my very best not to let anything but a "contented smile" show on my face. My feelings and emotions do nothing but hurt other people, it only makes sense that I handle them on my own.

Second New Year's Resolution is the same as last year's. LOSE WEIGHT YOU FUCKING FATASS. I tried this, and I did really good. Lost almost 40 pounds. Then, of course, I gained half of it back. I am a fat, disgusting cow and it's no wonder my girlfriend never wants to have sex with me. So, I'm going to buckle down and start eating right, and punishing myself if I fail. If there's a threat of pain or losing some "privelege" surely I can do better. And if I keep failing and failing, I deserve to be punished. I am such a disgusting human being that in truth I should be punished whether I fail or succeed, but we'll try this, for now.

Third resolution: Be more diligent about posting in my journals/blogs. Unfortunately, I think this is going to involve setting up a whole new set of blogs because there are people who I don't really want to be able to read the things I need to say, but I'll deal with it because I need the outlet.

Fourth resolution: Suck less at work. Come in early, stay late, don't ask to leave early, don't complain, just smile and nod and do as you're told so that no one questions whether or not you deserve the position you have. Take charge more when Rick isn't here. Don't let other people push you around, but don't come across cocky and bitchy, either. There's a reason no one does what you ask: no one is going to respect someone that they think is a bitch.

Fifth resolution...Suck less over all. I really and truly do feel that I am a horrible human being who deserves nothing but pain and suffering, so I need to do what I can to change what an awful person I am. I'm not sure how to do this other than practice sunshine and roses 24/7, cry and rage and scream only when I'm completely alone (which is never) and do my very very best to bottle up everything and hide from everyone. Of course, this is very similar to my first resolution, but perhaps it really, truly is THAT important that I should resolve to do it twice.

I think perhaps that's all I can handle for one year. I have a funny feeling there's going to be a lot of new scars appearing on my skin for the first few months of 2013.

Happy New Year, everyone...