I can't fucking do this anymore

I'm tired. I can't fucking handle this shit anymore.

He got me again. Yesterday. On my way in to work. He was waiting for me when I got out of my car. I didn't even see him. He dragged me into the trees and he beat me. He cracked my ribs. He raped me. He sodomized me. He came inside me because he wanted to get me pregnant again, so that he could come back and kill the baby. Again. I had to lie to my family and friends about why I was home, had to tell them I took a vacation day I didn't remember I had. I spent 3 hours in the ER being examined and xrayed and poked and prodded. And then I came home and took a bunch of pills, drank a bunch of whiskey, and slashed the fucking shit out of my leg. Why couldn't I have just died? I tried so hard. And yet I still woke up this morning. I'm still here. And everyone around me is hurting because of me. I can't tell my family the truth because there's too much going on. They'd tell me to suck it up and deal because they all have real problems. I'm so sorry that my being raped and sodomized isn't a real problem. I'm sorry that me wanting to die isn't a real problem. My best friend wants me admitted to a psych ward. She's freaking out so badly she may lose her job if she can't pull it together. And it is all my fault. Why did I have to tell anyone the truth? Why couldn't I have just kept my mouth shut like I always do? Why did I have to cut on my leg instead of my wrist? If it had been my wrist, I would be dead right now. I wouldn't have to feel so fucking guilty about ruining everyone's life.

Tonight, maybe I'll get it right. Tomorrow, maybe I won't wake up. And the world will still turn. Life will go on. And honestly? I think a lot of people will be happier for it.

I am slowly losing everything. What the fuck am I supposed to hold on to when everyone is leaving me? My sanity is already hanging by a thread, and soon, they'll be gone. They'll all be gone...

...

To my Dearest One,

 

There are so many things that I wanted you to know, so many things that I wanted to tell you, but sadly, I fear that will never be possible. I know that you understand. I know that you've felt this way before. And I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I never wanted to cause you any pain or sorrow. I never wanted to make you cry, and I know that's what you'll do. Please forgive me. I am not nor will I ever be as strong as you all think I am.

 

Forever Yours,

<3 The Siren

I wish I knew...

...what was wrong with me right now. I truly wish I had even the smallest clue, but I don't. I mean, I know that a lot of things have happened over the past few days and that those things are slowly driving me overt the edge, but I should be able to snap out of it. And, if not snap out of it, what I did last night should have made me feel better. For the first time in my life, since I have been self-harming, it didn't. Cutting didn't make me feel better at al. Alright, maybe it did for a few second, while the blood was pouring out of the wounds and when I poured the vodka over the cuts and it hurt so, so badly that I thought I was going to black out, but now...now all I feel is guilt and regret. Why do I let him have this power over me? Why do I still let him hurt me? I'm stronger than this. I'm better than this.

 

But maybe I'm not stronger than this. Maybe I'm really not any better than the whore he used to tell me I was. Maybe, just maybe, this is all there is for me. Pain and suffering and heartache and betrayal. Perhaps I am destined to be alone, to die in a pool of my own blood, seeping out through self-inflicted wounds. If that's the case, I beg you, Death, come for me soon. I fear I cannot take much more.

...

When the dam breaks this time, it will be for keeps. There will be no turning back. The flood that will ensue will surely drown us all. And it will be beautiful.

It's the Dominoe Effect, folks

Line up a bunch of dominoes and they look really impressive, right? I mean...you can create some really awesome designs with those things. The problem is, they're not at all stable. One wrong move and they all go tumbling down, destroying all the hard work you did putting them up.

 

This is my life. I try so hard to put things back together and then one wrong move sends it all crumbling to pieces again. It's not enough that I am pretty much certifiable, but everyone around me is falling apart too, and they expect me to try and hold them together. I know I put on a good act. I know that I fool them. I know that they can't see how badly I am falling apart of my own accord.

 

But is it really fair of me to let them all rely on me right now, when I can't even rely on myself? I can't hold them together when I'm unravelling. I wish I could. I wish I could be the strong one. But right now...I just have nothing left to give.

 

...and yet, I can't bring myself to admit my weakness. And so we will all fall down, one by one. Like little domino soldiers...