I'll never be what you want me to be

I've come to a realization in the past few days. I wish I could say that this is a good thing, and I suppose in some ways, it is, but it also really hurts. I don't know why I let it hurt, or why it seems like such an "epiphany" this time around, but...*shrug*

No matter what I do, I am never going to be the person that everyone wants me to be. I am never going to be successful. I am never going to be skinny. I am never going to be able to smile without it hurting me in some way. I will never make my parents proud. I will never fall in love. I will never get married and have a "traditional" family. These things are simply not in the cards for me. I am not giving up on have a child, not yet, anyway, but I know it will happen. I know that I'm not meant to be a mother, fate has proven that to me far, far too many times.

Now, the question is, what can I do? Where do I go from here? Do I try to make some radical change and hope that maybe, just maybe, I'm actually wrong? Do I give up on everything that I hold dear, everything that makes me who I am, just for a small chance at making everyone else proud of me, to give them what they want? I really don't know anymore. I've lived my life for everyone else for so long, it may not seem that there would be much difference. But in all honesty, I was hoping to be able to live my life for me, someday. That possibility is becoming more and more distant and ridiculous sounding the more that time goes on. What I want isn't practical. What I want can never be. I've reached a dead end and I have no idea how to go on. It's so frustrating.

Sometimes I wish that I would just fall asleep and not wake up...wouldn't that be lovely? Sweet, blissful darkness...come claim this shattered heart...