I can't do this...

I sat there with the phone in my hand for an hour this morning. An hour exactly. I had the number dialed, I just couldn't make myself hit send. Why am I torturing myself like this? The longer I let it go, the harder it's going to be...if I let it get to a point where I can actually feel something growing, I won't be able to go through with what I need to do. So why can't I just do what I need to do and get it over with? It's not like this is anything new...I've been through it before. Okay, so maybe it wasn't my choice, but I've still been through it. And it's not like I can keep it. Not only am I in no place emotionally or financially, I just...I can't have his baby...I can't...I was going to, once upon a time, but he destroyed her. He destroyed me.  I will not take the chance of bringing another horrible, heartless soul like him into this world. No. I know how selfish that sounds, believe me. I also know how contradictory it is to what I always say, so let me make one thing very clear...I would love to have a child of my own, but not like this. Not surrounded by years of pain and suffering and fear and torture. I can't do it. I won't do it. It wouldn't be fair to me or the baby, because I would always, always associate an "innocent" child with the sins and horrors that its father committed...*sighs* I really need to just force myself to call tomorrow. It's early enough that it would be a simple procedure, in and out, no longterm effects...well, physically. Emotionally, this may just be the final straw. I may snap. We shall see. Then again, maybe I'll get lucky and just miscarry before I even have to make the decision to call...wouldn't that be a twisted, sickening blessing...*sighs*

 

Fuck my life.