...so very, very tired of trying. No matter what I do, nothing is ever going to change. My heart will still remain shattered within my chest, the tiny shards becoming embedded deeper and deeper into my soul with every weakened beat...I will remain broken and beaten, shedding my tears in vain, alone, just as I always have. Why can I not simply learn to accept that this is what my life is? And no, I am not talking about accepting the darkness...anyone who has ever spoken with me on that subject is well aware of the fact that I not only accept the darkness inside of me, I embrace it. No...I am speaking more of the innate desire to try and be something that, frankly, I cannot be. To try and be what they wish for me to be, what they desire from me. I am who I am, and there is no way to change that. In all honesty, I cannot say that I would even want to. My strength lies in suffering, and I accept that. I thrive in pain and sorrow. That is who I am. That is what my soul needs in order to survive. Yet everyone around me expects a smile, expects me to be happy and bubbly and outgoing, because they cannot see the pain that lies deep within my very soul. They do not know of the demons which rage inside my mind on a daily basis. They will never know the truth...Admittedly, their expectations are, in their eyes, fair, because they do not know. They do not understand. In the same way, my status of being the "outcast" or "black sheep" of the family is, in a sense, self inflicted. I suppose that means I should wear it as a badge of honor; all of my favorite wounds are self inflicted in one way or another, are they not? The scars I wear with pride...both inside and out. But this is...different somehow. This is not about me accepting myself. This is about the people who are supposed to love me unconditionally accepting not even me, but the mere fact that I am not like them. Indeed, my true kin is where my heart lies...my Ocean Soul...*sighs*
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It really does make me quite sad that they can't see you the way I do. I know that you need the darkness, that you thrive in it because for a very long time it was all you knew and became a comfort. I honestly can't understand how acceptance is so hard. You are who you are and you shouldn't have to try and change yourself to appease others, especially when you feel as though you can't possibly be any other way.
ReplyDeleteI know I bitch about my family a lot and it's true that they don't understand me but I can say they take everything I do in my stride and simply say, "Well whatever. That's Ebony for you." - so yeah, in a way, they've come to accept that I am not like them at all.
But I do know what you are talking about. I get so angry and upset when someone tells me it's "not like me" to be a certain way because, honestly, how would they know what is "like me"? So when people say to you that you should smile and be more cheerful, I don't see how it doesn't make them wonder why you aren't like that? Why you sometimes brood and want to just be left alone? Why you just cry sometimes? Why you do this or that or why you react a certain way to certain things?
I suppose my own thoughts on this come down to me wanting to know as much about you as possible, so it's just...uncompromisable that they have the chance and the time to try to understand you or at least, come to accept you as you are, and they don't. It's sad and infuriating to me.
At the very least, you will always have us three and we love you so very intensely as you are <3