Line up a bunch of dominoes and they look really impressive, right? I mean...you can create some really awesome designs with those things. The problem is, they're not at all stable. One wrong move and they all go tumbling down, destroying all the hard work you did putting them up.
This is my life. I try so hard to put things back together and then one wrong move sends it all crumbling to pieces again. It's not enough that I am pretty much certifiable, but everyone around me is falling apart too, and they expect me to try and hold them together. I know I put on a good act. I know that I fool them. I know that they can't see how badly I am falling apart of my own accord.
But is it really fair of me to let them all rely on me right now, when I can't even rely on myself? I can't hold them together when I'm unravelling. I wish I could. I wish I could be the strong one. But right now...I just have nothing left to give.
...and yet, I can't bring myself to admit my weakness. And so we will all fall down, one by one. Like little domino soldiers...
*hugs*
ReplyDeleteI really don't like that everyone seems to lean on you, expecting you to hold them up and be the strong one, when you're having such a hard time yourself. And I think I know why you can't admit that you shouldn't let them rely on you - because you love them and you want to help them. I mean, everyone likes knowing that people like to depend on them, turn to them when they're not feeling the best and help them back on their way. It's a good feeling and, I think, consciously or not, you may be doing it so you can feel good if you help them. I'm not say that you are only doing this for selfish reasons, because that's not what I mean. I mean it as...like when someone works as a doctor. They do it because they want to help people and because when they do and they're acknowleged for it, it puts a smile on their face knowing they've done some good in the world. The same could be said of you. You are falling apart at the seams lately and to help other people may distract you from that a little while, at the same time, it completely highlights that you aren't keeping it together either. Again, another catch 22.
Know that you can always count on me and rely on me if you need to, because I love you beyond all thought and reason, and I only desire to see you happy.