...what was wrong with me right now. I truly wish I had even the smallest clue, but I don't. I mean, I know that a lot of things have happened over the past few days and that those things are slowly driving me overt the edge, but I should be able to snap out of it. And, if not snap out of it, what I did last night should have made me feel better. For the first time in my life, since I have been self-harming, it didn't. Cutting didn't make me feel better at al. Alright, maybe it did for a few second, while the blood was pouring out of the wounds and when I poured the vodka over the cuts and it hurt so, so badly that I thought I was going to black out, but now...now all I feel is guilt and regret. Why do I let him have this power over me? Why do I still let him hurt me? I'm stronger than this. I'm better than this.
But maybe I'm not stronger than this. Maybe I'm really not any better than the whore he used to tell me I was. Maybe, just maybe, this is all there is for me. Pain and suffering and heartache and betrayal. Perhaps I am destined to be alone, to die in a pool of my own blood, seeping out through self-inflicted wounds. If that's the case, I beg you, Death, come for me soon. I fear I cannot take much more.
...of one thing I am most certain; you are a vulnerable person, a broken, beaten down and worn soul, but dammit, you *are* strong. Despite feeling as though you are going to break into a thousand little pieces at times, you've *still* acted a support for others who have more trivial affairs.
ReplyDeleteYou are not as alone as you think you are. At the very, very least, you will always have me. That demon can't take that from you. I will always be willing to listen and talk to you and help in any possible way that I can. There is strength in numbers; I know you will never just tell people what has happened to you, but the few that do know want to help and protect you. You are not what he thinks you are...thinking as such just gives him more power over you and...I think that's exactly what he wants. Know that you are loved beyond words and have people who want to help.
Rakastan...