I hate this...

Why is it that, all the sudden, every time I walk into this hospital my anxiety shoots through the roof? What am I so fucking afraid of, being here? I don't understand it...if I was going to be afraid of any part of this place, it would be outside, in that parking lot...although, come to think of it, it does start as soon as I get out of my car...*sighs* Even now, from nearly 1000 miles away, he still holds control over me somehow. It's such bullshit...I just want to be free from this, to not be reminded all the time...and of course, that's not possible...and there's no other place for me to park because all the lots are full...perkele...

 

I need to relax or I'm going to make a mistake. I can't afford to make a mistake. I already feel like everyone is watching me, just waiting for me to screw up. Fuck, I hate paranoia. I want out...

My heart exists only to be broken...

I never imagined that I could feel anymore pain than my soul already possessed, and yet, somehow...somehow, at this very moment, I feel more shattered and destroyed than I ever have before. I would love to give you all a reason why, but sadly, I do not have that knowledge myself. I simply feel empty and lost...moreso than I thought was possible. I should have stayed away...should have stayed hidden...should have at least tried to stay out of sight as I was before...but he was right there...right there...right in my arms...perkele...

 

I cannot control my life anymore

Feel a need to leave and breathe on my own

I remember all the broken songs of our life

Maybe one more wrong will make it all right

I just really need to be alone now…

                      ~Tony Kakko from Breathe

 

Maybe this camping trip will help calm me down again. Calm both of us down. Or all four of us. This is so much harder than I thought it would be...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

...

I have to find a way to forget...to shut my heart off and push aside everything I've allowed myself to love and hold dear. It cannot ever work. It will not ever work. And I knew that. I knew that from the very beginning of all of this. But once again, I couldn't stop it. Damn my heart. Damn it straight to Hell and back. I hate this.

Never again will I let myself fall...never, ever again...

"Solitude, my pain, the last thing left of me..."

*sigh*

Good night.

Why...?

...can't I seem to go one day without having a major panic attack? Yesterday's was bad enough, coming out of nowhere after my 15 minute break, but today...today I woke up shaky and freaking out...and it won't stop...I took my medication, and that's not helping...I even skipped my cup of coffee this morning thinking maybe I've been drinking too much caffeine lately...but no...I actually think that may have been a huge mistake...

 

What's wrong with me? It's not like anything has happened...not really...not in the past week...I just can't seem to calm down...can't get a grip on myself...it's starting to really scare me, because the last time...well...the last time this happened...the last time I was having constant panic attacks...I...let's just say it almost didn't end well...I really don't want history to repeat itself in that respect...

 

...fuck...

...*sigh*...

I really, truly do not understand myself sometimes. I should be feeling the greatest sense of relief right now, and instead I feel...well, honestly, almost disappointed. Empty may be a better way to put it. I mean...I know that it would have been a disaster. I wouldn't have been able to keep it...there is no way that would have been possible. And yet at the same time...I still feel like I lost something, even though there was (probably) nothing there to lose. It just makes me think that maybe this isn't as simple as having a really horrible period...it makes me think that...*sighs* Oh God...at least...at least I'll never know for sure...I can delude myself into thinking that it is simply my period, and that's that. My heart may know the truth, but that does not mean that I have to allow the pain and despair to consume my mind...I can lie to myself much more easily than I can allow myself to accept and acknowledge the truth...

I'm done...

I can't take this anymore. I'm done. I'm tired of letting everyone down. I'm tired of being bitched at 24/7. I'm tired of trying my hardest and still failing. Nothing I do is right. Nothing I ever do will be right. My whole life has been one big mistake, and now, it ends. Good night...

I can't do this...

I sat there with the phone in my hand for an hour this morning. An hour exactly. I had the number dialed, I just couldn't make myself hit send. Why am I torturing myself like this? The longer I let it go, the harder it's going to be...if I let it get to a point where I can actually feel something growing, I won't be able to go through with what I need to do. So why can't I just do what I need to do and get it over with? It's not like this is anything new...I've been through it before. Okay, so maybe it wasn't my choice, but I've still been through it. And it's not like I can keep it. Not only am I in no place emotionally or financially, I just...I can't have his baby...I can't...I was going to, once upon a time, but he destroyed her. He destroyed me.  I will not take the chance of bringing another horrible, heartless soul like him into this world. No. I know how selfish that sounds, believe me. I also know how contradictory it is to what I always say, so let me make one thing very clear...I would love to have a child of my own, but not like this. Not surrounded by years of pain and suffering and fear and torture. I can't do it. I won't do it. It wouldn't be fair to me or the baby, because I would always, always associate an "innocent" child with the sins and horrors that its father committed...*sighs* I really need to just force myself to call tomorrow. It's early enough that it would be a simple procedure, in and out, no longterm effects...well, physically. Emotionally, this may just be the final straw. I may snap. We shall see. Then again, maybe I'll get lucky and just miscarry before I even have to make the decision to call...wouldn't that be a twisted, sickening blessing...*sighs*

 

Fuck my life.

I am tired...

...so very, very tired of trying. No matter what I do, nothing is ever going to change. My heart will still remain shattered within my chest, the tiny shards becoming embedded deeper and deeper into my soul with every weakened beat...I will remain broken and beaten, shedding my tears in vain, alone, just as I always have. Why can I not simply learn to accept that this is what my life is? And no, I am not talking about accepting the darkness...anyone who has ever spoken with me on that subject is well aware of the fact that I not only accept the darkness inside of me, I embrace it. No...I am speaking more of the innate desire to try and be something that, frankly, I cannot be. To try and be what they wish for me to be, what they desire from me. I am who I am, and there is no way to change that. In all honesty, I cannot say that I would even want to. My strength lies in suffering, and I accept that. I thrive in pain and sorrow. That is who I am. That is what my soul needs in order to survive. Yet everyone around me expects a smile, expects me to be happy and bubbly and outgoing, because they cannot see the pain that lies deep within my very soul. They do not know of the demons which rage inside my mind on a daily basis. They will never know the truth...Admittedly, their expectations are, in their eyes, fair, because they do not know. They do not understand. In the same way, my status of being the "outcast" or "black sheep" of the family is, in a sense, self inflicted. I suppose that means I should wear it as a badge of honor; all of my favorite wounds are self inflicted in one way or another, are they not? The scars I wear with pride...both inside and out. But this is...different somehow. This is not about me accepting myself. This is about the people who are supposed to love me unconditionally accepting not even me, but the mere fact that I am not like them. Indeed, my true kin is where my heart lies...my Ocean Soul...*sighs*

...

...all I want to do right now is sit at my desk, mind my own business, listen to my iPod and try desperately not to cry. I feel so sick and my entire body hurts so badly and instead of just leaving me alone, they're forcing me to go work in one of the busiest areas in the lab... I would love to simply scream at them and tell them what happened last night, but we all know that I don't have that luxury...instead, I have to keep my mouth shut, paint on the ever present fake smile, and torture myself for the next several hours. I hate this. I hate having to hold all of this pain inside. I hate that I can't tell anyone about the Hell that I'm going through. I hate that I have to carry this burden alone and try to pretend that everything is alright when it's really, really not...