*sigh*

Why do I feel like I was just told to pretty much shut up and go elsewhere with my problems in one of the few places where I've felt comfortable actually sharing my feelings? Bah.

It's a sad, sad state of affairs when the most "selfish" thing I can think to do is go to bed early when I get home from work.

*sigh* I just can't win.

Ouch...

Haha, wow. I don't know how this has never hit me before. I wish it hadn't hit me now. It feels like a big slap in the face. Awesome.

...I must be a moron or something.

Of course we have to keep this a secret. I've known that from the very beginning. I've known...and even if I don't like it, I have to accept it. This is what is best for her. All I want is for her to be happy. This is what she wants, and therefore, I will give it to her. Because I will give her whatever she wants, always. Always and forever...

But...is it wrong that it stings that I can't put something simple like "You make me not the same me that I used to be, you save me...I'm more me than I could ever be without you. Without you and me, must be meant to be..." <3 as my facebook status? I mean, I realize it's facebook. Who cares. So I can't have the status I want. What's the big deal?

...but it is a big deal, to me. It is a big deal because I want the world to know that I love her. That I am happy. That I finally have someone who loves me for me. And instead, I have to keep it a secret. I have to watch every word that I type or say very carefully for fear of someone finding us out.

What a crappy feeling...

Pain...

It hurts. It hurts so much. The pain is threatening to suffocate me. It's so hard to breathe, and there's no escaping it. No matter where I go, no matter what I do, it follows me. Engulfs me. Pulls me down and threatens to drown me in the sweetest crimson rivers the world has ever seen. I should be frightened. I should try to run, but I don't. I can't. I crave this. I need this. This is what keeps me alive. I know that, one day, it may also be the death of me, but for now. I need it to survive. Does that make me a sick person? Probably. But at least I know I'm not the only one. And honestly? I would rather be alive and sick, than dead and "normal." Normal is so boring, anyway...

*sigh*

It hurts when you finally realize just how much you want something, only to have it pulled away from you the second you know that it's what you want.

How could I have been so stupid? How did I let myself fall so hard, even when I knew there was no way it could ever be? And now here I sit, sobbing my eyes out with a broken heart.

Never again. I will never, ever allow myself to be vulnerable like this again. It hurts too much, and it's just not worth it.

I need some time to regroup, and then I think maybe I'll be ok. At least now I know where I stand.

Never, ever, ever going to fall in love again. It's just not worth the pain and tears that you wind up with in the end.