New year...time to start over again. I need to start writing again. I need it. And starting today, I'm going to give myself that one little luxury. Because I need the release. The outlet. The chance to make myself heard, even if it's only to this blank page of pixels. I need to get the thoughts and feelings out of my head and let them see the light of day or they're going to smother me and make me insane.
Starting today. Or tomorrow. Soon, anyway.
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Friday, January 11, 2013
Exhausted
The past few days have easily been some of the most exhausting of my life. I wish that I had been able to find the time (read as: time without someone reading over my shoulder) to update this blog in the midst of everything, but alas, I will have to do the best I can to "capture" the mood in retrospect now.
My ex came down to visit (mostly to see my mom, mom's idea, etc) last Sunday and just left yesterday. I was so worried it was going to be horribly awkward, but for the most part, it was alright. Of course, I took 3 days off work to make sure that my fiancee and my ex were never left alone together without me, so that probably helped curb some of the awkward. It was really nice to spend some time alone with my fiancee since my ex took my mom to Syracuse to see my sister. Mel and I never, ever get any time alone together, so it felt good to have just the two of us at home. We mostly just RP'd and played WoW, but it was without interruptions for the first time in...well, basically forever.
In other news, my mom is still a complete basketcase over the dog's death. She woke my father up wailing and sobbing last night shortly after Mel and I went to sleep. I refused to get back up because there isn't anything I can do, I was home with her all day long and she didn't say more than 10 words to me, so I don't feel like she wants me to try and comfort her. She wanted Krista to come down and take care of her. She rejected me. My fiancee. My father. My brother. Everyone. It was all Krista Krista Krista the entire time my ex was here, and now that she's gone no one knows what to do. I know it's going to take time for her to come to terms with the dog being gone. I know her heart is broken. I know she's in pain. I don't know, however, how long the rest of us can deal with the way she's acting. It's like living with a zombie, and there's nothing we can say or do to get through to her at all.
I also haven't been sleeping very well at all. A lot on my mind these days. All of which I will try to get onto the screen and into this blog eventually, but for now, it's back to work. Hooray.
My ex came down to visit (mostly to see my mom, mom's idea, etc) last Sunday and just left yesterday. I was so worried it was going to be horribly awkward, but for the most part, it was alright. Of course, I took 3 days off work to make sure that my fiancee and my ex were never left alone together without me, so that probably helped curb some of the awkward. It was really nice to spend some time alone with my fiancee since my ex took my mom to Syracuse to see my sister. Mel and I never, ever get any time alone together, so it felt good to have just the two of us at home. We mostly just RP'd and played WoW, but it was without interruptions for the first time in...well, basically forever.
In other news, my mom is still a complete basketcase over the dog's death. She woke my father up wailing and sobbing last night shortly after Mel and I went to sleep. I refused to get back up because there isn't anything I can do, I was home with her all day long and she didn't say more than 10 words to me, so I don't feel like she wants me to try and comfort her. She wanted Krista to come down and take care of her. She rejected me. My fiancee. My father. My brother. Everyone. It was all Krista Krista Krista the entire time my ex was here, and now that she's gone no one knows what to do. I know it's going to take time for her to come to terms with the dog being gone. I know her heart is broken. I know she's in pain. I don't know, however, how long the rest of us can deal with the way she's acting. It's like living with a zombie, and there's nothing we can say or do to get through to her at all.
I also haven't been sleeping very well at all. A lot on my mind these days. All of which I will try to get onto the screen and into this blog eventually, but for now, it's back to work. Hooray.
Monday, January 7, 2013
Can I get a do over, please?
So...2013.
2013.
Now, you see, 13 is normally not an unlucky number for me. However, the way this year started out I'm not so sure that theory is going to hold up anymore.
Spent New Years Eve listening to my mother cry because our family dog, Sadie, couldn't move at all. Spent the next week listening to Sadie howl in pain, mom sob her heart out, and then on Friday, January 4th, we had Sadie put to sleep. RIP, my pupperface. I love you so much and I miss you more than I can even say. I know you're not suffering anymore, and you can run and play with Earl and Esther and Zeb to your heart's content. I know you'll be waiting for mom at Rainbow Bridge and you two can be reunited.
Mom is a mess. She can't stop crying, blames herself, wishes she was dead. My ex girlfriend, Krista, is down visiting for a week to comiserate with mom since she just lost her girlfriend to a stroke in June. It's...awkward at best having Krista and Mel in the house together, especially since Mel is off all week after today and I work all week. I dunno...I mean, it's nice to see her again and all, but it's weird. They seem to be getting along ok, which is a plus, but still...
...and of course, mom is treating me like Cinderella. She sits and talks to Krista about her feelings, etc, but she does nothing but go silent or bark at me to do this that and the other thing. I feel like she's almost partially blaming me for Sadie's passing, and I can't for the life of me figure out why. It hurts, because I loved that dog just as much as she did, even if she doesn't care to admit it.
Work is busy. I took tomorrow off to destress because I need to. Badly. Let's hope it works.
More later.
2013.
Now, you see, 13 is normally not an unlucky number for me. However, the way this year started out I'm not so sure that theory is going to hold up anymore.
Spent New Years Eve listening to my mother cry because our family dog, Sadie, couldn't move at all. Spent the next week listening to Sadie howl in pain, mom sob her heart out, and then on Friday, January 4th, we had Sadie put to sleep. RIP, my pupperface. I love you so much and I miss you more than I can even say. I know you're not suffering anymore, and you can run and play with Earl and Esther and Zeb to your heart's content. I know you'll be waiting for mom at Rainbow Bridge and you two can be reunited.
Mom is a mess. She can't stop crying, blames herself, wishes she was dead. My ex girlfriend, Krista, is down visiting for a week to comiserate with mom since she just lost her girlfriend to a stroke in June. It's...awkward at best having Krista and Mel in the house together, especially since Mel is off all week after today and I work all week. I dunno...I mean, it's nice to see her again and all, but it's weird. They seem to be getting along ok, which is a plus, but still...
...and of course, mom is treating me like Cinderella. She sits and talks to Krista about her feelings, etc, but she does nothing but go silent or bark at me to do this that and the other thing. I feel like she's almost partially blaming me for Sadie's passing, and I can't for the life of me figure out why. It hurts, because I loved that dog just as much as she did, even if she doesn't care to admit it.
Work is busy. I took tomorrow off to destress because I need to. Badly. Let's hope it works.
More later.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Another year...
Yet another year, and somehow, I'm still alive. I can't figure out how I keep managing to make it through another year, but since I'm here, I might as well take the chance to speak my mind and attempt to make promises to myself (and others) which will simply end up broken because that's all I am, a disappointing failure.
So let's see...my fiancee and I are fighting more than ever. Of course, somehow that's my fault. I'm a bully, a bitch, I'm mean, I treat her like a child, I'm ridiculous, etc. I suppose I should do something about that. I mean...if I'm that horrible a person, something has to change. So, my first New Year's Resolution is to stop having feelings, or, at the very least, stop expressing them. No one cares how I feel. No one wants to take the time to listen to me, to hear that I'm hurting, etc. So I'm going to simply interalize everything and do my very best not to let anything but a "contented smile" show on my face. My feelings and emotions do nothing but hurt other people, it only makes sense that I handle them on my own.
Second New Year's Resolution is the same as last year's. LOSE WEIGHT YOU FUCKING FATASS. I tried this, and I did really good. Lost almost 40 pounds. Then, of course, I gained half of it back. I am a fat, disgusting cow and it's no wonder my girlfriend never wants to have sex with me. So, I'm going to buckle down and start eating right, and punishing myself if I fail. If there's a threat of pain or losing some "privelege" surely I can do better. And if I keep failing and failing, I deserve to be punished. I am such a disgusting human being that in truth I should be punished whether I fail or succeed, but we'll try this, for now.
Third resolution: Be more diligent about posting in my journals/blogs. Unfortunately, I think this is going to involve setting up a whole new set of blogs because there are people who I don't really want to be able to read the things I need to say, but I'll deal with it because I need the outlet.
Fourth resolution: Suck less at work. Come in early, stay late, don't ask to leave early, don't complain, just smile and nod and do as you're told so that no one questions whether or not you deserve the position you have. Take charge more when Rick isn't here. Don't let other people push you around, but don't come across cocky and bitchy, either. There's a reason no one does what you ask: no one is going to respect someone that they think is a bitch.
Fifth resolution...Suck less over all. I really and truly do feel that I am a horrible human being who deserves nothing but pain and suffering, so I need to do what I can to change what an awful person I am. I'm not sure how to do this other than practice sunshine and roses 24/7, cry and rage and scream only when I'm completely alone (which is never) and do my very very best to bottle up everything and hide from everyone. Of course, this is very similar to my first resolution, but perhaps it really, truly is THAT important that I should resolve to do it twice.
I think perhaps that's all I can handle for one year. I have a funny feeling there's going to be a lot of new scars appearing on my skin for the first few months of 2013.
Happy New Year, everyone...
So let's see...my fiancee and I are fighting more than ever. Of course, somehow that's my fault. I'm a bully, a bitch, I'm mean, I treat her like a child, I'm ridiculous, etc. I suppose I should do something about that. I mean...if I'm that horrible a person, something has to change. So, my first New Year's Resolution is to stop having feelings, or, at the very least, stop expressing them. No one cares how I feel. No one wants to take the time to listen to me, to hear that I'm hurting, etc. So I'm going to simply interalize everything and do my very best not to let anything but a "contented smile" show on my face. My feelings and emotions do nothing but hurt other people, it only makes sense that I handle them on my own.
Second New Year's Resolution is the same as last year's. LOSE WEIGHT YOU FUCKING FATASS. I tried this, and I did really good. Lost almost 40 pounds. Then, of course, I gained half of it back. I am a fat, disgusting cow and it's no wonder my girlfriend never wants to have sex with me. So, I'm going to buckle down and start eating right, and punishing myself if I fail. If there's a threat of pain or losing some "privelege" surely I can do better. And if I keep failing and failing, I deserve to be punished. I am such a disgusting human being that in truth I should be punished whether I fail or succeed, but we'll try this, for now.
Third resolution: Be more diligent about posting in my journals/blogs. Unfortunately, I think this is going to involve setting up a whole new set of blogs because there are people who I don't really want to be able to read the things I need to say, but I'll deal with it because I need the outlet.
Fourth resolution: Suck less at work. Come in early, stay late, don't ask to leave early, don't complain, just smile and nod and do as you're told so that no one questions whether or not you deserve the position you have. Take charge more when Rick isn't here. Don't let other people push you around, but don't come across cocky and bitchy, either. There's a reason no one does what you ask: no one is going to respect someone that they think is a bitch.
Fifth resolution...Suck less over all. I really and truly do feel that I am a horrible human being who deserves nothing but pain and suffering, so I need to do what I can to change what an awful person I am. I'm not sure how to do this other than practice sunshine and roses 24/7, cry and rage and scream only when I'm completely alone (which is never) and do my very very best to bottle up everything and hide from everyone. Of course, this is very similar to my first resolution, but perhaps it really, truly is THAT important that I should resolve to do it twice.
I think perhaps that's all I can handle for one year. I have a funny feeling there's going to be a lot of new scars appearing on my skin for the first few months of 2013.
Happy New Year, everyone...
Thursday, October 4, 2012
I can't shake this overwhelming feeling that things are about to really blow up in my face. It's like there's a little voice in the back of my head, laughing at me and reminding me that I can't ever have anything good, anything that makes me happy. I know that things haven't been perfect, but the tension is getting to be too much to bear. I have no idea what to do; talking doesn't work, ignoring it doesn't work, getting mad doesn't work, crying doesn't work...nothing. It's as if there's some invisible force working against me (us) and every time I feel like we're making progress, I (we) get knocked back a hundred steps.
Part of the problem is that, now especially, I feel like I have no one to talk to. My mother has all but shut me out and shut me down, she's done dealing with me because we, and I quote, "do nothing but wear her down" and she actually said to me face to face this morning that she doesn't see my fiancee and I staying together. I don't know where she gets off saying that, couples have arguments, and it's not all on me, but apparently to everyone else it is most definitely all my fault. Meh. I can't talk to my fiancee about anything without her getting defensive and jumping down my throat that I'm mean, bitchy, always criticizing her for this that and the other thing. I've tried to point out to her that it is not my fault that she hears everything I say negatively, that she has to stop assuming that I'm being mean just because people in her past have treated her that way, but it's like she doesn't even hear me. I am not her father, her mother, her grandmother, her ex, her other friends, her whoever...she has known me for 4 1/2 years, we've been dating for 2 1/2 years, and she's lived with me (and my family) for almost a year now. It's time to stop the childish excuses of "But this is how so and so used to treat me so I just assume!" THAT is wearing me down, badly, because I feel like she's not even trying to know me at all.
I know that my mother is projecting a lot of her own bad feelings on us. She's sad because my little sister is getting married next Thursday, and my sister barely comes home to visit now, she really won't be once she's married because her soon-to-be husband has no use for family. He hates his own. Mom is having a hard time with my dad, because they really don't get along very well anymore. She's also having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that she is disabled, she cannot fully care for herself, she cannot work. I understand all these things, but I am so tired of being the scapegoat. I live at home to help her. I am not actively seeking my own apartment/house because I know that she needs us there, whether she wants to admit it or not. I am not there to be a burden, or to be the avenue through which she unloads all of her frustrations.
It feels, to me, like I exist simply for people to stomp all over me, make me feel badly, and overall treat me like shit. At home, at work, online...everywhere. No, this does not mean that there aren't awesome moments where I can actually smile, that there aren't people who do not ever make me feel this way, or that the people who do make me feel this way all the time. But it does seem to be an overall recurring theme to my existence, and I'm not sure how much longer I can take before I truly do just snap and let everyone know exactly how I feel.
Part of the problem is that, now especially, I feel like I have no one to talk to. My mother has all but shut me out and shut me down, she's done dealing with me because we, and I quote, "do nothing but wear her down" and she actually said to me face to face this morning that she doesn't see my fiancee and I staying together. I don't know where she gets off saying that, couples have arguments, and it's not all on me, but apparently to everyone else it is most definitely all my fault. Meh. I can't talk to my fiancee about anything without her getting defensive and jumping down my throat that I'm mean, bitchy, always criticizing her for this that and the other thing. I've tried to point out to her that it is not my fault that she hears everything I say negatively, that she has to stop assuming that I'm being mean just because people in her past have treated her that way, but it's like she doesn't even hear me. I am not her father, her mother, her grandmother, her ex, her other friends, her whoever...she has known me for 4 1/2 years, we've been dating for 2 1/2 years, and she's lived with me (and my family) for almost a year now. It's time to stop the childish excuses of "But this is how so and so used to treat me so I just assume!" THAT is wearing me down, badly, because I feel like she's not even trying to know me at all.
I know that my mother is projecting a lot of her own bad feelings on us. She's sad because my little sister is getting married next Thursday, and my sister barely comes home to visit now, she really won't be once she's married because her soon-to-be husband has no use for family. He hates his own. Mom is having a hard time with my dad, because they really don't get along very well anymore. She's also having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that she is disabled, she cannot fully care for herself, she cannot work. I understand all these things, but I am so tired of being the scapegoat. I live at home to help her. I am not actively seeking my own apartment/house because I know that she needs us there, whether she wants to admit it or not. I am not there to be a burden, or to be the avenue through which she unloads all of her frustrations.
It feels, to me, like I exist simply for people to stomp all over me, make me feel badly, and overall treat me like shit. At home, at work, online...everywhere. No, this does not mean that there aren't awesome moments where I can actually smile, that there aren't people who do not ever make me feel this way, or that the people who do make me feel this way all the time. But it does seem to be an overall recurring theme to my existence, and I'm not sure how much longer I can take before I truly do just snap and let everyone know exactly how I feel.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Strange...
Right now, I feel this incredibly strong urge to sit here and pour my heart out onto this "blank page" in front of me, but for some reason, I can't find the words. They're just not there, or if they are I can't see them. Can't hear them. Can't force them to come out. It's frightening for someone like me to lose the words to describe how they feel inside. It's the only outlet I have left, beyond adding more physical scars to an already overly scarred-inside and out-individual. Then again, I'm not even sure my blade would make me feel any better right now; lately, there seems to be no way to relieve the stress, sadness and pain I've become trapped in once again. I suppose it doesn't help that I am mentally and physically exhausted right now, either. Three and a half weeks until I can have even a small "break" from this place is far too long for me in my current condition and state of mind, but what can I do? Do my best to tighten the strings and hold it together until I can find a way to breathe again, that's what...unfortunately, I fear my best may not be good enough. Not even close, this time.
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