I can't shake this overwhelming feeling that things are about to really blow up in my face. It's like there's a little voice in the back of my head, laughing at me and reminding me that I can't ever have anything good, anything that makes me happy. I know that things haven't been perfect, but the tension is getting to be too much to bear. I have no idea what to do; talking doesn't work, ignoring it doesn't work, getting mad doesn't work, crying doesn't work...nothing. It's as if there's some invisible force working against me (us) and every time I feel like we're making progress, I (we) get knocked back a hundred steps.

Part of the problem is that, now especially, I feel like I have no one to talk to. My mother has all but shut me out and shut me down, she's done dealing with me because we, and I quote, "do nothing but wear her down" and she actually said to me face to face this morning that she doesn't see my fiancee and I staying together. I don't know where she gets off saying that, couples have arguments, and it's not all on me, but apparently to everyone else it is most definitely all my fault. Meh. I can't talk to my fiancee about anything without her getting defensive and jumping down my throat that I'm mean, bitchy, always criticizing her for this that and the other thing. I've tried to point out to her that it is not my fault that she hears everything I say negatively, that she has to stop assuming that I'm being mean just because people in her past have treated her that way, but it's like she doesn't even hear me. I am not her father, her mother, her grandmother, her ex, her other friends, her whoever...she has known me for 4 1/2 years, we've been dating for 2 1/2 years, and she's lived with me (and my family) for almost a year now. It's time to stop the childish excuses of "But this is how so and so used to treat me so I just assume!" THAT is wearing me down, badly, because I feel like she's not even trying to know me at all.

I know that my mother is projecting a lot of her own bad feelings on us. She's sad because my little sister is getting married next Thursday, and my sister barely comes home to visit now, she really won't be once she's married because her soon-to-be husband has no use for family. He hates his own. Mom is having a hard time with my dad, because they really don't get along very well anymore. She's also having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that she is disabled, she cannot fully care for herself, she cannot work. I understand all these things, but I am so tired of being the scapegoat. I live at home to help her. I am not actively seeking my own apartment/house because I know that she needs us there, whether she wants to admit it or not. I am not there to be a burden, or to be the avenue through which she unloads all of her frustrations.

It feels, to me,  like I exist simply for people to stomp all over me, make me feel badly, and overall treat me like shit. At home, at work, online...everywhere. No, this does not mean that there aren't awesome moments where I can actually smile, that there aren't people who do not ever make me feel this way, or that the people who do make me feel this way all the time. But it does seem to be an overall recurring theme to my existence, and I'm not sure how much longer I can take before I truly do just snap and let everyone know exactly how I feel.

Strange...

Right now, I feel this incredibly strong urge to sit here and pour my heart out onto this "blank page" in front of me, but for some reason, I can't find the words. They're just not there, or if they are I can't see them. Can't hear them. Can't force them to come out. It's frightening for someone like me to lose the words to describe how they feel inside. It's the only outlet I have left, beyond adding more physical scars to an already overly scarred-inside and out-individual. Then again, I'm not even sure my blade would make me feel any better right now; lately, there seems to be no way to relieve the stress, sadness and pain I've become trapped in once again. I suppose it doesn't help that I am mentally and physically exhausted right now, either. Three and a half weeks until I can have even a small "break" from this place is far too long for me in my current condition and state of mind, but what can I do? Do my best to tighten the strings and hold it together until I can find a way to breathe again, that's what...unfortunately, I fear my best may not be good enough. Not even close, this time.

*sigh*

Why do I feel like I was just told to pretty much shut up and go elsewhere with my problems in one of the few places where I've felt comfortable actually sharing my feelings? Bah.

It's a sad, sad state of affairs when the most "selfish" thing I can think to do is go to bed early when I get home from work.

*sigh* I just can't win.

Ouch...

Haha, wow. I don't know how this has never hit me before. I wish it hadn't hit me now. It feels like a big slap in the face. Awesome.

...I must be a moron or something.

Of course we have to keep this a secret. I've known that from the very beginning. I've known...and even if I don't like it, I have to accept it. This is what is best for her. All I want is for her to be happy. This is what she wants, and therefore, I will give it to her. Because I will give her whatever she wants, always. Always and forever...

But...is it wrong that it stings that I can't put something simple like "You make me not the same me that I used to be, you save me...I'm more me than I could ever be without you. Without you and me, must be meant to be..." <3 as my facebook status? I mean, I realize it's facebook. Who cares. So I can't have the status I want. What's the big deal?

...but it is a big deal, to me. It is a big deal because I want the world to know that I love her. That I am happy. That I finally have someone who loves me for me. And instead, I have to keep it a secret. I have to watch every word that I type or say very carefully for fear of someone finding us out.

What a crappy feeling...

Pain...

It hurts. It hurts so much. The pain is threatening to suffocate me. It's so hard to breathe, and there's no escaping it. No matter where I go, no matter what I do, it follows me. Engulfs me. Pulls me down and threatens to drown me in the sweetest crimson rivers the world has ever seen. I should be frightened. I should try to run, but I don't. I can't. I crave this. I need this. This is what keeps me alive. I know that, one day, it may also be the death of me, but for now. I need it to survive. Does that make me a sick person? Probably. But at least I know I'm not the only one. And honestly? I would rather be alive and sick, than dead and "normal." Normal is so boring, anyway...

*sigh*