...blah.

You'd think I'd know better by now and not let myself start looking forward to something. The things I want never happen, no matter how hard I try. Whatever.

I'll never be what you want me to be

I've come to a realization in the past few days. I wish I could say that this is a good thing, and I suppose in some ways, it is, but it also really hurts. I don't know why I let it hurt, or why it seems like such an "epiphany" this time around, but...*shrug*

No matter what I do, I am never going to be the person that everyone wants me to be. I am never going to be successful. I am never going to be skinny. I am never going to be able to smile without it hurting me in some way. I will never make my parents proud. I will never fall in love. I will never get married and have a "traditional" family. These things are simply not in the cards for me. I am not giving up on have a child, not yet, anyway, but I know it will happen. I know that I'm not meant to be a mother, fate has proven that to me far, far too many times.

Now, the question is, what can I do? Where do I go from here? Do I try to make some radical change and hope that maybe, just maybe, I'm actually wrong? Do I give up on everything that I hold dear, everything that makes me who I am, just for a small chance at making everyone else proud of me, to give them what they want? I really don't know anymore. I've lived my life for everyone else for so long, it may not seem that there would be much difference. But in all honesty, I was hoping to be able to live my life for me, someday. That possibility is becoming more and more distant and ridiculous sounding the more that time goes on. What I want isn't practical. What I want can never be. I've reached a dead end and I have no idea how to go on. It's so frustrating.

Sometimes I wish that I would just fall asleep and not wake up...wouldn't that be lovely? Sweet, blissful darkness...come claim this shattered heart...

Sunshine and Springtime

I really think that the nicer weather is doing me some good. Yesterday I was actually in a decent mood, which doesn't usually happen for me, especially when I have to work. I don't know. I suppose I should just accept it for what it is, but I can't help but be suspicious of even my own feelings. I'm not used to being able to smile and actually mean it, and usually when that happens, it means there is something really, really dark heading my way. It doesn't have to be an event, just...emotions, etc. I don't know. Blah. I'm rambling at this point and really should shut up. I just want the warmer, nicer weather to stay and I hope and pray that, if it does, then this mood can hold on just a little bit longer. The next two weeks are going to go by so slowly, but once they do, I have a weekend away to look forward to, and I get to see Sonata Arctica. I can do this...I know I can. I just have to focus...

Blah, fuck me and my cynicism. Straight to Hell.

*sigh*

I'm so frustrated lately. I don't know what's wrong with me. Everything seems to get under my skin and it's making me crazy, and I know I'm probably making everyone around me crazy too. Things have been really hard these past few months for so, so many reasons, and I don't know how to cope with it. Right now, I'm really just bottling everything up and trying to push it away. I know that's not the right way to deal with it, but what else can I do? I can't afford to fall apart right now. I know that I should be going to therapy, but I can't really afford that, either. Time away from work means I don't make any money, and that means that I can't pay my grandmother back and she gets pissed off at me and hates me even more than she does right now. I really can't fucking win. Whatever. Maybe it's time to just pull back and hide away for awhile. All I'm doing is pushing everyone away from me, anyway...

Sometimes...

Sometimes I wish that I could just remain still and let the world go on around me. I need time to regroup, but everything is happening so fast that I can't stop for even one second to try and catch up. I just want to hide away, even for a day or a week, and let myself relax and block out the rest of the world. But that will never, ever happen. There are too many people depending on me, too many people who need me. I guess I just have to, as everyone likes to tell me, "suck it up and deal," and try not to completely lose my mind...

Give me a moment...

...to sound like a complete and total bitch. I know how horrible what I'm about to say is going to sound, but I can't help myself.

I found out yesterday that my friend is pregnant with her second child. She can barely afford to feed the first one. She is in an open relationship with the father of this child (meaning basically he can sleep around with anyone he wants.) She has serious mental health issues (the testing for outpatient "partial hospitalization" is how she found out she was pregnant, actually). I mean...really? I'm happy for her, I really am, but how is this fair? She gets to have another child, and I probably never, ever will. It's just...not fair. Blah.

I have so much more I could say, but I don't have the strength. Whatever.