...this crying myself to sleep every night. I can't take it anymore. I have no idea why it's happening, but for the past week and a half, I've fallen asleep bawling my eyes out. It doesn't matter if I take a melatonin or one of my prescription sleeping pills, doesn't help if I take my anti-depressants or my anti-anxiety pills...doesn't even seem to do any good if I get tipsy on Soco before I lie down. It's always the same. As soon as the lights go out and everything around me is quiet, I end up in tears. I suppose one could say that I've been incredibly stressed out lately, but these aren't really "stress" tears...I don't know if that makes sense to anyone but me, though. I guess...I just feel really, really sad a lot of the time lately, even if I do put on a fake smile and try to fool everyone...the worst part is, fooling them is working. No one has any idea that I cry myself to sleep every night, that I keep trying to find ways to cause myself pain (safety pins, my nails, scissors...when I get paid on Friday I'm planning to go out and buy some sort of blade again, because I just can't take anymore...) but then again, I've always been really good at hiding it (especially the cuts...I've only really screwed that up twice in my life by cutting on my wrists in the summer when I couldn't wear long sleeves...I know better now.) Blah.
...maybe the worst part isn't that I'm fooling them. Maybe the worst part is that not only am I fooling myself into thinking that this is okay, I actually kinda, sorta, in some sick, twisted way, want this to be okay, because honestly...? This is all I have ever known. It is my comfort zone. I think I would be worse off if someone suddenly snapped their fingers and I was 100% happy. How sad.
